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De Ja Vu

4 Feb

In a stunning sequel to yesterday’s worst-day-in-the-world production, may I present my day so far:

  • wake up after passing out at 8:45 last night from sheer, mind-numbing exhaustion
  • squint at the clock. realise that the maid must have left it unplugged
  • don’t worry about the time, because the bed is just so warm and nice and snuggly
  • ignore various “mummy’s” from Adam’s room until they get more demanding (about 5 seconds later)
  • stumble out of bed
  • squint at the clock in the kitchen and realise that it is already 7:30 and that you are on a fast track to being very, very late
  • frantically fill up the kettle to provide required jolt of caffeine
  • realise kettle is not switched on
  • switch kettle on
  • realise kettle switch is already in “on” position
  • realise that you forgot to recharge electricity last night before passing out
  • simultaneously register the following (1) you now have no internet access, so you cannot recharge online  (2) your phone has been beeping all night on low power and probably has about 3 seconds of life left (3) you have no electricity with which to charge phone (4) you have to pick up Jaimie to take her to school (5) it is already very, very late
  • frantically call your mother to get her to access your bank account online to buy pre-paid electricity. (note: you need to do this before your cell phone’s power runs out as they send an access pin number to your phone that allows you to log on)
  • hear cell phone’s warning beep
  • no answer from said mother
  • hear cell phone’s warning beep
  • Say swear word out loud –  as it is nearly 8:00 and she should be at work by now. Phone repeatedly hoping she will answer.
  • realise she is not going to answer
  • Curse
  • hear cell phone’s warning beep
  • curse, curse, curse
  • realise that all friends/neighbours have either left for work (as it is now after 8:00) or are away for the week
  • Curse them all
  • make Adam’s porridge and tea on the stove (thank heaven for gas). Still no caffeine for me. Can you say frazzzzle…
  • take a shower with Adam SCREAMING…. “mommy out” “mommy out” “mommy open door” “OPEN” ” mommy OUT!” “OPEN!!!!” the entire time (or some variation thereof)
  • wash hair while trying to keep the shower door closed with Adam on the other side trying to open it
  • realise it is already 8:15
  • calm down snotting, sobbing, emotionally overwrought child
  • try and figure out how you are going to get dressed, pack bags, pick up Jaimie, buy electricity, put electricity into metre, drop kids off at school and get to work by 9:00
  • frazzzzzllllle….
  • pack Adam’s bag, pack your bag, dress Adam, dress yourself, drag the whole lot out and dump into car as quickly as possible
  • notice out of the corner of your eye, your neighbour Erica and kid leaving house. Think that this is strange as school started at 8:00. Figure they must be having a bad morning too. Something in the water? The moon? Mars aligning with Jupiter? Figure it must be something like that
  • Get in the car, just as you are about to burn rubber outta there, it register that the clock says 7:30
  • not 8:30
  • 7:30
  • all packed and dressed with nowhere to go
  • 7:30
  • bang your head repeatedly against the steering wheel

And then, in a glorious encore to the morning…

  • first petrol station – “sorry, electricity offline”
  • second petrol station – “sorry, electricity offline”
  • curse, curse, curse

I should’ve just stayed in bed.

Luckily I bank with a most fantastic bank. In the recesses of my brain, I heard “how can we help you” and remembered that you can buy pre-paid electricity at any FNB ATM.

Glory be to FNB.


One of those days

3 Feb

Ever have one of those days when…

  • half way through your morning hair wash you realise that you are ‘washing’ with conditioner not shampoo
  • you are out the shower and almost dressed when you realise that you have forgotten to rinse your hair
  • just as you are carefully taking your child’s porridge out the microwave, while silently telling yourself not to spill, you drop the whole damn lot on the floor
  • said porridge splatters with a radius of about 5 metres
  • said child bursts into tears because his “ummy” is all over the floor
  • you do your shopping at Pick ‘n Pay and walk off without your parcels
  • you go to woolworths and do the exact same thing

And those are just the special edition highlights. The rest of the day was riddled with so many such irritations that they have all blurred into one. I think I need to go to bed now.


3 Feb

Here, cupi- cupi- cupid – come here my cute precious little thing. Mommy’s got something special for you…


This is not a drill. There will be no second chance. This is not a joke. I have no sense of humour.

Consider this your official warning you chubby, feathered fiend. Come within 50 feet of me and I.will.not.hesitate.

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