No Words

23 Apr

Yes, I’ve been quiet. Not quiet in a bad way. Nothing brewing, no upheaval, just a quiet ongoing steady sort of Living.

Which means that my blog has become somewhat sparse. (I have started a separate blog for Adam and his day to day life, and have been spending time there, fleshing it out. Which leaves this blog with even less fodder).

I don’t write about DIY, I don’t cook, I don’t decorate, I don’t have tech wisdom to share, I am not on the cutting edge of anything and I think my day-to-day activities are anything but interesting to anyone but me. What I am trying to say, is that there is very little to feed this blog. [Be patient, I am working towards a conclusion here].

I write my emotion. I use words and sometimes lyrics to express what is important to me. Over the years this blog has been used to chronicle my life. Quotes that I post have reflected my life and learning in some way. For the last three, almost four years, my life has seen tremendous changes. I have experienced deep pain, hurt and betrayal. I have been sad. I have been angry. I have also worked through all of that and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have healed. That I am stronger and happier than I have ever been. I have no regrets and I am learning to be very clear about how people treat me. I don’t tolerate drama. I avoid pessimism and nastiness. Having said that, I try not to judge, so while I tend to avoid the negative, I still love and treasure those people.

Things I have learnt:

  • People rarely change, expecting anyone to change is futile and a waste of your precious energy. Accept them and love them for who they are.
  • Forgiveness sets you free. Anything else is perpetuating the pain and allowing the person who hurt you to continue to hurt you.
  • You will heal. And when you are healed, you will know it as a truth deep inside you. It will be unshakeable.
  • Never regret anything that has made you who you are today.
  • Learn from your mistakes. When you know better, you do better (Oprah, I think) and there is no excuse for going back to old patterns of behaviour and expecting them to have different outcomes.
  • Work hard to find the truth of a situation and, when you find it, behind the wall of your ego, things will start to make sense.
  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Wiser. More Powerful. More Beautiful.
  • Decide what matters most to you and live by those values. When you do, you will stop explaining yourself to others and you will stop seeking external approval. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind (Dr. Seuss, I think).
  • The quality I value most in my friends is their ability to make me laugh. The quality I admire most is their strength through the toughest of circumstances. Make me laugh, and be one tough, courageous chick, at the same time and I will love you forever.

Which brings me towards the conclusion I am pretty sure is out there somewhere. Stay with me.

I’m not sure why I keep this blog going. Between twitter, pinterest and bbm, I pretty much say what needs to be said. But every now and then I need to get it all out. I need this blog. I write this blog “for” people. Every blog post is usually about someone. To find closure. To motivate a friend. To inspire someone who needs inspiring. Sometimes they will get a message, mail or bbm to say the blog is for them. Sometimes it is anonymous. But, more often than not, my posts are directed at someone.

Today my blog is for my friend who makes me laugh. Today I need to write because life has dimmed the smile in her eyes. And it makes me unbearably sad and angry.

And so we get back to the title. No Words. Because today I have no words for you. I want to give you something… hope, courage, faith. But I simply can’t find the perfect words. My heart hurts too much for you. And words seem woefully inadequate and cliched. And so I have resorted to telling part of my story so that you know that it is possible to find your way to the other side and come out stronger and wiser and happier.

I want you to know that you are strong. You are facing hurt and sadness and helplessness but you have the strength to face anything and make it through. I know that I can’t possibly know what you are really going through, but I know it seems daunting and frightening and impossible. And so, this blog is for you.

Because I don’t know what else to do. Because, for you, my emotions  are raw. And I write my emotions.

I hate that life has dimmed the smile in your eyes.

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