These Changin Times

20 Mar

Almost 18 months ago I wrote this post. I remember writing it like it was yesterday. When I searched my blog for it I started in August last year. I eventually found it almost an entire year earlier.

I clearly remember the confusion of looking around me and not recognising any part of my home. It is a horrible feeling that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It is tied up with feelings of loss of control, loss of self. A disconnection from reality and feelings of powerlessness. What I was really trying to say all those months ago was that I looked around my home and didn’t see myself. I didn’t feel like I belonged in my own home.

Ironically, Adam’s “big” bed was delivered today. When I searched for that post, it was because I remember feeling so bewildered in my own home. I had no idea it would link up with today’s reality so perfectly. In that post, I looked at my baby in his cot and marveled at how how he had grown. Today, he is ready for his big bed. The perfect symmetry of that post and today’s events takes my breath away.

Adam is no longer a baby. Or even a toddler. He is a little boy. I tell him everyday that no matter how big he gets, he will always be my baby. But there is no denying the truth. He may be my baby, but he is growing up faster than I want him to. Time doesn’t stand still.

And, because time moves at such a breakneck speed, there is no time to live any life other than the one you recognize. There is no time to live in any way except in your truth. Today, I am happy to say that I look around me and recognize my space. It is messy, worn, scratched and shabby. But it is mine. I planted each and every plant in my garden. Pulled out each and every weed. My floor may be scratched and my furniture mismatched, but I am at home.

It feels good.


5 Responses to “These Changin Times”

  1. Ronnie March 21, 2009 at 9:17 am #

    I am inspired..

  2. Jeanette March 21, 2009 at 2:06 pm #

    what a lovely post! So glad you’re feeling at home at last 🙂

  3. Fiona March 21, 2009 at 3:12 pm #

    There’s no place like home hey? My home is getting tattier by the minute, my furniture well worn but I still love my home. I just give all my “interior decorating” money to the airlines now and I would not have it any other way. I have not looked yet but I am sure I will find a wonderful photo of your angel sleeping in his “BIG” bed?
    Love Fiona xxx

  4. JavaQueen March 26, 2009 at 8:12 am #

    … and that’s a great feeling, huh?

  5. JavaQueen March 26, 2009 at 8:13 am #

    Yesssss, indeed!

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