In Repair

19 Dec

“I’m not together, but I’m getting there” (John Mayer)

I am in repair. Someone, who I love dearly, recently asked me whether I was ‘out from under my rock’ yet. The short answer is, yes, I am getting ready to come out again. I have been in recovery, but I am feeling ready to show myself again. It is always a sure sign that I’m getting back on track when the phrases start forming and I start writing in my head. When my camera gets picked up again. When I am inspired to create. As I am typing this, I wonder why it took me so long to do this.

As with most things these days, I don’t really have an answer for why I was away for so long.  I guess that the short answer is that there are just too many significant people who read my blog and who sometimes read far too much into my posts. I was paralysed for a while, not wanting to appear too happy. Or too sad. Not too angry, or too forgiving. Not too reflective or self-assured. But not too blown apart either.

So, that being said, where am I? I am happy, but I am also sad. I am still angry and hurt, but I am trying to forgive and let go. I am okay. Mostly. I try to act with love and tolerance and understanding wherever possible. But I am challenged on a daily basis to try and act from a place of love at all times. Sometimes it is very, very difficult. But if I remember to breathe and distance myself, I am okay. When I remind myself to rise above and hold myself to a higher level of integrity, I am okay. Mostly. Sometimes I want to scream with frustration. Sometimes I just want to cry.

I was recently admonished for mentioning that I had no regrets. But I don’t. What happened, happened. I don’t regret it. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am grateful for the experience. I have learnt so much about myself and others through this process. My hardest lesson was realising that I had to stop making excuses for someone else’s character and behaviour. I had to stop justifying, rationalising, tolerating and sweeping under the carpet. I finally realised that raging against the machine just makes your head hurt. Sometimes the rock is just stronger than the irresistible force.

I am developing a new set of rules for how I want to be treated. I am realising that I was allowing myself to be treated unacceptably. I allowed it. No-one did it to me. I glossed over fundamental issues again and again and again. I should have known better. I didn’t. But now I do. Hence the no regrets.

I have said goodbye to those who are not meant to be in my life. Maybe not directly, but in my own way. I still miss what was and what could have been.  But I think this chapter of my life is over. And as the year comes to an end, I am looking forward to the new year. The song “Not Ready To Make Nice” sums it up perfectly. Although sure am trying to make nice.

I am practising forgiveness on a daily  basis. But I know that I will never forget the way I was treated, from the beginning to the end. I’m through with doubt. I no longer question if this is the right thing. There were good times, no doubt, and there could have been more in the future. But there are also a few fundamental issues that are now non-negotiable for me. So there is no going back. I have paid a heavy price for what I did. But I do believe that what happened was just the catalyst. A change was coming. So sooner was probably better than later.  I am still mad as hell that it was so easy to walk away. Without a fight. Without even disturbing the dust – so gently was the door closed. So, I’m still mad. Still hurting. Still trying to rise above. But, at the end of the day, I look around me and I think I am okay.  

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
Probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m  mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby

[from the Dixie Chicks]

 

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5 Responses to “In Repair”

  1. iluvegreen December 20, 2008 at 2:17 am #

    hi pia, It’s good to hear from you. I wish and pray that you will find healing completely soon.

    Happy holiday. Take care. Say my hello to adam.

    myminiheart 🙂

  2. klooney December 20, 2008 at 9:51 am #

    Good to “have you back” Pia. Hang in there. You are handling it well. Wishing you lots of strength and encouragement. k.

  3. JavaQueen December 20, 2008 at 10:40 am #

    Mz Pia! Oh so glad to see you here again. I wish for you and your family a Merry Christmas and an oh-so-excellent 2009!!!

    This post was written beautifully, I wish you the best!
    xoxxo
    java

  4. Veronica December 20, 2008 at 3:43 pm #

    I’m sure this post must of been very cathartic to write. I’m glad you’re coming out from under the rock – there will still be days you want to stay under it for a bit. These things are just not easy to do. But you are a strong woman and I know that is one thing you have learnt from all this – because here you are, still standing! I look forward to an amazing year for all my friends!!!

    ps love you too xxx

  5. Caroline December 22, 2008 at 10:07 pm #

    Great post Pia!
    Bring on the new year!

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