What is that feeling?

11 Oct

 

So, I haven’t posted “me stuff” in a while. That’s because I am having trouble figuring out exactly how I feel. There are days when I feel incredibly sad for what I have lost. It is the strangest thing: being part of someone’s life one day, and the next day not knowing what that person is thinking, feeling or doing. And not having a right to ask how that person is thinking, feeling or doing. There is a wall that rose up overnight. It might as well be made of 16’’ reinforced concrete. With a titanium protective cover. And a Durex coverslip to keep things nice and clean and sterile…

But these sad feelings only last a few days, moments even. There is something else that I am trying to figure out. It creeps up and catches me unawares. It jumps out, just when I’m not expecting it, and takes me by surprise. I’m not sure, but I think I recognize it from many years ago. I am not sure, and I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but I think I may be happy. Ssshhhh… don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to scare it away.

I kind-of like myself these days. For the first time in a long time, I can look around me and like what I see. I trust myself. I trust the universe and I trust those I love. It is a very strange sensation. I think it takes falling down really hard before you can open your eyes and see just how far off the track you have strayed. For so long I have let someone else tell me what was important. I spent all my energy arguing my point of view and trying to explain my voice. I didn’t have any energy left over to ask myself what was important.

And, now that I look around me, there are so many people just waiting to tell me that I am okay. That I will be okay. So many people ready to tell me that they like my voice. And that I make sense. So many people who understand. So many people who are ready, willing and waiting to tell me that they love me no matter what. After all these years I feel like I don’t deserve that kind of unconditional support, I keep coming up with reasons why they shouldn’t feel that way. I still find it amazing that my friends say “we love you no matter what”. Surely I will do something really bad and they will see the truth? Surely? But, slowly I am starting to see that they love be because of my failures, not in spite of them. For so long I was loved “in spite of” and now I am starting to see that I can be loved “because of”. No-one thinks that I should be anyone other than who I am right now, no-one telling me I should do ABC and XYZ because I must be a better person. That acceptance feels too good to be true, but you know, I am starting to see that it might just be true…

Finally I feel like I am back on the path that I am meant to be on. And it feels SO unbelievably good. If it looks happy, sounds happy, tastes happy and smells happy, could it be…?

 

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3 Responses to “What is that feeling?”

  1. myminiheart October 11, 2008 at 1:39 am #

    hi pia dear, it’s good to know that you are back on track and starting to see how beautiful life is (still) no matter what, i think you’re near total forgiveness…im happy for you

  2. Suzaan October 12, 2008 at 6:40 pm #

    Another beautiful post Pia, you should write a book or something, maybe the Memoirs of Pia, I would definitely buy it. I am so glad you are starting to feel better and realise that there is life after Dave. Take care.

    Much love
    xxx

  3. dhewitson October 14, 2008 at 10:46 am #

    Hey there – I remember those days well: that honeymoon period after the split, when you reconnect with your old self after having forgotten about her existence for years. It’s a sad and wonderful time. The trick is to not let her go again. The payback is just too great. And all that love an unconditional support was always there, you maybe just didn’t notice it through the other-you glasses you were wearing. Onwards and upwards, girl.

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