Double Espresso, No Milk, No Sugar

10 Sep

Or, in other words, extremely bitter…

Here I am, alone in my three bedroomed house, with my two cats for company and a few too many red wine bottles stacking up outside. Is this to be my fate? Alone with my cats and too much red wine… am I that cliche?

By now, most of you in the know, know. For the rest, here is my unsweetened account.

Once upon a time I had a merry little life. A merry little family. Oh, sure, we had problems – but then, who doesn’t? Mainly though? I was hopeful. Hopeful that we would turn a corner. Hopeful that the worst was behind us. Hopeful that we were strong enough. I believed in my little family. I believed in our story. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I thought we would make it. I thought we would grow old together.

And then someone came along who shook that belief structure to the core. Someone I trusted. Someone I considered a friend. Someone I cared for. They grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and made me look at things in a way that I had never thought about. They took my little world, my little family, and shook it about. They took my fragile little world, with its cracks and fractures and they were careless with it. Make no mistake, what they took, I freely gave. I stand, cap in hand, and honestly admit that. I handed over my fragile family. The family that was mine to protect and defend. I handed over my family to be shaken about with carefree abandon.

And when something that fragile is tossed about. When there are pre-existing cracks. Hairline fractures. They stand back, when the damage is done, and wonder what happened to make it break. Surely it wasn’t their touch that crushed the delicate fabric of my life? They try a little super glue. A last ditch attempt to put right what they set asunder and then carry on with their own story. Poetry and all.

lovely to look at. lovely to hold. but if it’s broken…

Ah, hell. Maybe I should switch to Hot Chocolate. All this bitterness is turning my stomach. Never could drink coffee in the evenings. Mugg and Bean sell a bottomless Hot Chocolate… maybe if I add some sugar it will take away that ugly taste in my mouth??


8 Responses to “Double Espresso, No Milk, No Sugar”

  1. misyel September 11, 2008 at 2:35 am #

    hi Pia, hang on, this too shall pass. Life is not always bitter, aim for a sweeter tomorrow. Even if people you trusted fails you, stay strong, no one else can help you but your self. I really wish you well very soon. My hugs and prayers be with you.

  2. sleepyjane September 11, 2008 at 9:18 am #

    There is nothing I can say to make it better even though I so much want to. {{HUGS}} And know that we’re here for you if you need a shoulder.

  3. Caroline September 11, 2008 at 3:23 pm #

    Dare I say that this is the simplistic version? An espresso if you like as the effect it has had appears to be strong, but it is hardly the full cup. Firstly, don’t blame yourself for ‘handing over’ your family. You didn’t do that. And secondly, if it weren’t this person, it would have been someone or something else that created/highlighted the cracks. Life was beckoning to you to address them. The manner in which you do so and the result is up to you, but something had to give eventually. Don’t beat yourself up (nor the other equally confused people involved) about it. Things will improve. Your family will survive and you will be happy again. And no, you certainly aren’t destined to be alone – you are far too interesting and loveable for that.

  4. Veronica September 11, 2008 at 5:25 pm #

    Darling Pia. I have no cliches or promises. But here is what I know for damn sure. This will pass. It will get better. And you will at some point be able to look back at it and see the reason for it. I agree with Caroline – these past events have been the catalyst that was needed to look at the already existing problems and take action. That is what the universe does. As she says, if not this – it would definitely have been something else.
    Here’s what else I know. Your friends and your family know you better than anyone else. We know the amazing person that you are and we love you very much. Use them and the love and the support they give to help you through this. That is what they are there for. And don’t regret a thing that has happened because this is an opportunity for growth as well-disguised as it may be. Also, hold on to the love and bond you share with your darling boy.
    Lots and lots and lots of love hugs and positive energy to you!

  5. Poppop September 11, 2008 at 5:30 pm #

    I think that you need a nice quiet week end at Gloria bay.Here’s an open invitation. There is not much that I can say except that all things happen for a reason even though we may not be able to see the wood for the trees at present. Hang in there Pia, be positive and in time all will be revealed. Lots of love. We are here for you.

  6. JavaQueen September 12, 2008 at 11:56 am #

    Life lessons. They suck. We all have them so don’t feel all alone. You are not. What rude awakenings ~ but you will come out stronger when the fractures heal, they will heal. And, I guarantee you will be stronger for this.

  7. wendy September 14, 2008 at 8:14 pm #

    Pia I am only catching up on blogs now so this is late. finally you are opening up and feeling . this may all seem hopeess to you but it will pass. you have some wonderful supportive people out there who have given you much better advice than I could but hell I empathise and I have shed more than a few tears for you. Remember to stay true to yourself and what you feel. Do whats best for you and adam so that you will all lead happy lives. you deserve it . that much I know
    Hang in there

  8. Suzaan September 19, 2008 at 9:06 pm #

    Hi Pia

    I am also reading this late, I just want to confirm what everyone else has said; heart break and loosing the one you love and the one you chose to be the father of Adam is going to be one of the hardest things to deal with, but then there is also no accidents in this life of ours, people come into our life’s for a reason and maybe Dave’s was to give you your biggest gift of all and cherish him for that, he will always be part of your life’s and I am as sure of you meeting Mr right as I am of being Suzaan. I love you and believe you to be a wonderfully gifted person, you are strong and brave, this too will pass.

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