Over

31 Dec

In the world of pain and heartbreak there are a few words that you hear over & over.

“Give it time”.

“It will get easier”.

These words are never a comfort. And there are times when you wonder if it will ever get easier.

If you’re like me, you find comfort in music & words. You latch onto phrases that give you strength… sometimes without truly believing that they apply to you.

One that I leaned on heavily was this one:

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I never really believed this one. But I now realise that everything is actually okay. More than okay.

The other one that I held onto (really really tightly), was this one:

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I recently had the chance to re think this. Somehow I never truly believed this one. I hoped for it. I wished for it. But I never really believed it.
In a moment of clarity I realised that someone is  thankful that you let me go. That someone is me.  It was a stunning realisation. I’ve been more than okay for a while now. But I had never thought to add gratitude to the mix.

To you, in a world of pain, I wish I could offer you my perspective. But I can’t. My wish is that one day you will be grateful too. Because you are worth so much more. Until then, I wish you courage and strength and fortitude.

It does get better.

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Thoughts on me, integrity, and reaping what you sow

10 Nov

I have lost my way slightly in the last few weeks. A presence insists on pushing her way into my life. Challenging me to live what I believe. Forcing me to accept that other people don’t live by the same set of rules that I play by. And fair play to her – we are not all cut from the same cloth. The challenge is to maintain my integrity in the face of disrespect and to find some sort of tolerance for someone else’s game play.

My philosophy is to lead with love. I truly believe that love is all that matters in this world. Not our possessions. Not money. Not things. It is our relationships that matter. When I look back on my life, it is the people that I remember. The friendships that I have formed. The people that I have loved. Not the things that I have accumulated.

Lately I have found it very hard to walk my talk. I am angry. I am hurt. And I have lost the thread of love that is usually woven through my life. I want to get back to the “me” that is me. I want to find myself again. But I am a pendulum – swinging back and forth – and I can’t quite find my true north.

I need to learn the lesson that not everyone thinks the same way I do. We all have our own moral compass and we are all on our own journeys. The hard part is convincing myself to trust. Trust that I need to “be the change” without expecting others to change. It is hard to open up and care, knowing that you are likely to be hurt again and again by people. One of my favourite quotes is “never let the things that matter most be at the mercy of those that matter least”, but how do you live by that code while accepting that there are people who allow the things that matter least to guide their decisions?

Wipe Your Hands, Shake It Off

10 Nov

My theme tune of the past few days.

Rascal Flatts – Stand

Karma

23 Apr

I shouldn’t take great delight in Karma. I shouldn’t. But I do. Slap me.

There is a delightful pin that turns up on Pinterest every now and then. It says “When Karma comes back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there just in case it needs help”.

*snigger* … What? Don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true.

At this point I need to direct your attention to a post from over a year ago. Firstly, can someone give me props for knowing my shit when it comes to music?

Secondly, I will never, never, for as long as I live, never forget hearing the strumming beat of “Rolling in the Deep” for the first time. I was in my car. Porterfield/Link Road. I heard the beat and I felt something stirring deep inside me. Something “rolling in the deep” if you will.

That song and all the ones that followed helped me to deal with my pain. Adele helped me to feel angry when I needed anger. She helped me to cry when I was sad. A fire started in my heart, it reached a fever pitch and it brought me out the dark.

And “finally I can see you crystal clear”. You, who throws your soul through every open door.

And so it is fitting that the song that started it all, is the one to give me the last bit of closure. The song that started off stirring only sadness and bitterness in me, I now see as a triumphant declaration of joy.

No Words

23 Apr 179677617_U4yDdiz3_c

Yes, I’ve been quiet. Not quiet in a bad way. Nothing brewing, no upheaval, just a quiet ongoing steady sort of Living.

Which means that my blog has become somewhat sparse. (I have started a separate blog for Adam and his day to day life, and have been spending time there, fleshing it out. Which leaves this blog with even less fodder).

I don’t write about DIY, I don’t cook, I don’t decorate, I don’t have tech wisdom to share, I am not on the cutting edge of anything and I think my day-to-day activities are anything but interesting to anyone but me. What I am trying to say, is that there is very little to feed this blog. [Be patient, I am working towards a conclusion here].

I write my emotion. I use words and sometimes lyrics to express what is important to me. Over the years this blog has been used to chronicle my life. Quotes that I post have reflected my life and learning in some way. For the last three, almost four years, my life has seen tremendous changes. I have experienced deep pain, hurt and betrayal. I have been sad. I have been angry. I have also worked through all of that and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have healed. That I am stronger and happier than I have ever been. I have no regrets and I am learning to be very clear about how people treat me. I don’t tolerate drama. I avoid pessimism and nastiness. Having said that, I try not to judge, so while I tend to avoid the negative, I still love and treasure those people.

Things I have learnt:

  • People rarely change, expecting anyone to change is futile and a waste of your precious energy. Accept them and love them for who they are.
  • Forgiveness sets you free. Anything else is perpetuating the pain and allowing the person who hurt you to continue to hurt you.
  • You will heal. And when you are healed, you will know it as a truth deep inside you. It will be unshakeable.
  • Never regret anything that has made you who you are today.
  • Learn from your mistakes. When you know better, you do better (Oprah, I think) and there is no excuse for going back to old patterns of behaviour and expecting them to have different outcomes.
  • Work hard to find the truth of a situation and, when you find it, behind the wall of your ego, things will start to make sense.
  • What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Wiser. More Powerful. More Beautiful.
  • Decide what matters most to you and live by those values. When you do, you will stop explaining yourself to others and you will stop seeking external approval. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind (Dr. Seuss, I think).
  • The quality I value most in my friends is their ability to make me laugh. The quality I admire most is their strength through the toughest of circumstances. Make me laugh, and be one tough, courageous chick, at the same time and I will love you forever.

Which brings me towards the conclusion I am pretty sure is out there somewhere. Stay with me.

I’m not sure why I keep this blog going. Between twitter, pinterest and bbm, I pretty much say what needs to be said. But every now and then I need to get it all out. I need this blog. I write this blog “for” people. Every blog post is usually about someone. To find closure. To motivate a friend. To inspire someone who needs inspiring. Sometimes they will get a message, mail or bbm to say the blog is for them. Sometimes it is anonymous. But, more often than not, my posts are directed at someone.

Today my blog is for my friend who makes me laugh. Today I need to write because life has dimmed the smile in her eyes. And it makes me unbearably sad and angry.

And so we get back to the title. No Words. Because today I have no words for you. I want to give you something… hope, courage, faith. But I simply can’t find the perfect words. My heart hurts too much for you. And words seem woefully inadequate and cliched. And so I have resorted to telling part of my story so that you know that it is possible to find your way to the other side and come out stronger and wiser and happier.

I want you to know that you are strong. You are facing hurt and sadness and helplessness but you have the strength to face anything and make it through. I know that I can’t possibly know what you are really going through, but I know it seems daunting and frightening and impossible. And so, this blog is for you.

Because I don’t know what else to do. Because, for you, my emotions  are raw. And I write my emotions.

I hate that life has dimmed the smile in your eyes.

A Girl Who Reads

21 Apr 272186371198756975_0sGCeMFW_c

I have loved books for as long as I can remember. They were always my escape and my refuge. Many of my readers are also “Girls Who Read”, so this may be familiar to many of you.

When you read, when words swirl around you and create an alternate reality, you become changed in a subtle, magical way. I see it in my friends who love to read. I see it in my son who is discovering the magic of Hogwarts with me. I have come to realise that my love of words and fiction and plot and fantasy is an integral part of who I am. It is so important to me that I know that I could never fall in love with someone who doesn’t understand that side of me. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I could never love a man who doesn’t read. With that in mind, here are two poems I would like to share with my fellow readers out there.

The first in some writing by Charles Warnke called “Don’t Date a Girl Who Reads” you can read the whole thing here. And I encourage you to read it from the beginning because this quote will make more sense if you do:

Don’t date a girl who reads because girls who read are the storytellers. … You there in the library, on the platform of the metro, you in the corner of the café, you in the window of your room. You, who make my life so god damned difficult. The girl who reads has spun out the account of her life and it is bursting with meaning. She insists that her narratives are rich, her supporting cast colorful, and her typeface bold. You, the girl who reads, make me want to be everything that I am not. But I am weak and I will fail you, because you have dreamed, properly, of someone who is better than I am. You will not accept the life that I told of at the beginning of this piece. You will accept nothing less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied. So out with you, girl who reads. Take the next southbound train and take your Hemingway with you.

In response to this (I think, beautiful essay) Rosemarie Urquico wrote “Date a Girl Who Reads” which is also lovely:

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

I am a girl who reads. I insist that my “narratives are rich, my supporting cast colorful, and my typeface bold”.And I will “not accept anything less than passion, and perfection, and a life worthy of being storied”.

Unless

23 Mar

Today was the last day of the first term ((holy crap!!)) and, being the start of the holidays, I always like to do something fun with Adam to celebrate. He has been begging me to take him to the movies for the last month, so I thought today was an ideal opportunity to indulge him. I quick look at the schedule showed ‘The Lorax’ as being the only suitable movie for my munchkin. I’m not going to lie… my heart plummeted a little bit. Okay, a whole lot.

I love Dr Seuss. Straight up LOVE the books. As does Adam. But I sat through the movie for “The cat in the Hat” and a little bit of my life force drained away in the process. So, I was not thrilled about another Dr Seuss movie. Unfortunately it was the only one suitable and it was Adam’s treat, so I fortified my resolve, gritted my teeth and booked the tickets.

It turned out to be one of those unexpected delights that are so much more wonderful because they are totally unexpected. I thought the movie was enchanting.

Of course, it helps that the save-the-trees theme was beautifully translated. I am a sucker for anything green/clean/reduce/reuse/protect/nurture so this was right up my garden path.

Grab your kids, take them to see the movie, be enchanted and then have a chat about the most powerful line in the whole book: “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” We could all do with that little reminder.

I think I need to get myself a little stone like this for the front door:

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